A Hair's Breadth

Hello.

Sending care your way. Lots of it.

May you feel nourished by the love you give and receive, offer and share, in these times.

I’ve been in a deep process, as you might imagine.

Lots of challenges, unraveling the trauma, tending the exhaustion, all the after death financial and legal stuff, and grieving.

It’s been so much of everything it’s hard to put into words.

I’ve missed you and haven't really figured out how to reenter my writing.

And ---

Here is a returning piece attempting to describe a moment in time that was so precious and heart breaking and sacred. (thank you for the gentle nudge Brian)

A Hair's Breadth

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​
I was a hair’s breadth from my beloved's death.

​
Living in the liminal and physical realms with him as he quietly dangled in, out, and between.

The last hug Kevin gave me came after a bit of a messy trauma with his body.

Wrapped in warm blankets and tucked into the narrow pale recliner in his room at Hospice house, he settled.

A few moments later he opened his eyes and asked me to come sit with him.

I snuggled into the chair sideways,

my arms wrapped around his neck,

my face on the top of his head,

my lips offering soft kisses.

His arms, long and ropey from weight loss,

wrapped themselves so tightly around my body.

So firm and tenderly he held me, he held me, as I caressed him.

​
His holding, as I feel it now, was like a transmission of the physical energy left in his body, to my exhausted body --- some part of him knew he would be lying down soon never to get upright again.

That’s what love looked like then.

After getting help to bed that evening he didn’t rise again.

​
​Forty five minutes

his firm grip

offering a solace

A deeply needed gift

I understood only later.

He infused me with the last of his robustness so

I could be what I was for his dying.

​
This and other gifts bestowed ---

in the act of witnessing,

and with-nessing his dying,

this last exchange of oxygen and carbon,

which we name death ---

are profound teachers for me.

__________________________________________________________

​
I am slowly gleaning and becoming and wondering how to be with all that has changed and the expanse of the world that is ever widening inside.

​
Grief, I've found, is living in an in between place, not the before the death world, and not completely in the after death world.

It's a pause between what was, and what is coming. And contains a deeper embodied awareness of the preciousness of each moment in a physical body, and how there is no knowing how long that will be.

Grieving has not been full of presence, it’s often full of absence, although the essence of presence is seeping in bit by bit.

How do I/we hold presence within a deep absence?

One thing I've found---

Kindnesses often brings me to presence even if only for a moment.

Big or teeny (a hand on my back, a hug, a kind clerk, someone gesturing me to go at a 4 way stop, a song sent, a sweet email, an offer to connect, a loving voice on the other end of the phone, a car stopping to let me cross the road, eye contact expressing "I see you"…) brings blinking eyes, streaming rivulets of tears down my face. In those moments I feel it all.

Crying is a love language after all.

One I am very familiar with.

The last days of Kevin’s life keep me company in the darker hours and guide me back to the deepest curiosities around how to walk more tenderly, more compassionately, more fiercely kind, in a world of visible and invisible, soul and human, soil and stars, birth and death, all of creation, and most of all love.

And so life is. This moment in time. This breath.

These hands on the keyboard.

This soon to be pressing send.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you for being.

With deep care,

Carol

First. Thank you. Second. One Thing.

Hello Sweet People,

First.

Thank you to all the lovely, touching, tender, caring emails, texts and phone calls from so many of you after I shared about Kevin’s death.

They have been received and savored and appreciated and I feel the care lingering in my body.

A deep bow and pressed hands on my heart to you!

​Second.

I’m going to begin sharing some things I learned

about death and caregiving

and what we all might consider looking at

because it is a profound time,

it is something mostly ignored in our society

and lots of things are changing but not very well known yet.

I want to help us become more able to talk about

death and dying and how we treat each other

and care for each other as it comes for us.

Because it will.

“We will die and we don’t know when.

Everyone we know and love will also die and we don’t know how or when.

How and whether we use this information will shape the course of our lives, our relationships, and our attunement with the sacred.

It will shape who we are as a community and how we care for each other now, and when we are dying.”---Bodhi Be

​
I want to take what Bodhi says here and allow this to shape my life towards more meaning, love and deep caring for all.

​Here's my first tip:

So many loving and well meaning people would say to me “let me know if you need anything” and they meant it.

I used to say that too.

And, as the caregiver, letting people know what I needed was another thing on a long list of things I had to take care of every day.

I often didn’t ask because it added one more thing!!

Instead of saying that consider some of these, or something like these to offer:

Call or email or text the caregiver and say;

I could bring over dinner Monday or Tuesday night or both, I’ll have it freezer ready as well. Would you like that?

Or, I have Thursday off, can I go grocery shopping, clean your house, or walk the dog?

Or, can I set up a meal-train or somehow help you get help?

Or, can I give you a break by sitting with Kevin, or if you are free, take you to lunch, or go for a walk, on Wednesday or Saturday?

Or, do you need a hug, to be listened to, or…? I can do that anytime today or tomorrow?

If you don’t live nearby ask the caregiver if they’d like a gift of a house cleaning, a massage, a dinner out, a dinner in, a date to be listened to etc.

The pearl is, don't wait for the caregiver to ask.

Be proactive in what you can offer again and again.

You will be the best gift they get!

Thank you for those who did that for me.

Honestly I feel so so grateful to have learned this lesson and excited to be able to do it differently the next time a loved one needs support.

May this be helpful to you and yours.

Much love to you.

Carol and Sweetness

What does love look like now?

It’s October.

I last wrote to you at the end of July, which feels like years ago, not months.

Life has unfolded in ways that weren't how we wanted things to go with my partner.

His cancer came back fast, hard, and painful in early August.

Kevin died September 14th outside, on a clear bursting blue sky, smoke free, lightly breezy afternoon, surrounded by loved ones (physically present and so many other places) at Hospice House in Bend.

"What does love look like now?" was the question I asked again and again as we faced what was happening and were able to hold a space of unconditional love for each other, which felt like a miracle and a gift from whatever holds us all in the mystery of this existence we call life and whatever comes after.

And that led to life being a living prayer for us, and Kevin having a good death all things considered.

We had a spiritual support team that wove it's way into existence in the form of friends/neighbors who are pastors and grief weavers, and the chaplains, and Hospice House staff, and a grieving ritual before he died, and so much love and healing that happened for so many, bundles of those moments, and Sweetness, who was at the Hospice House 20 hours a day, that carried us. Oh my.

And while it was, in many ways, an incredibly stressful time, that question and the weaving of support kept us moving towards more community, more gathering, more touch, more strength, more tenderness, more kisses on the top of his head, more singing, more snuggles, more friends and family, more whispered I love you's, more telling him "do what you need to do, it’s okay to go" (saying those words that were true and wretchedly not true at the same time, hardest words).

What does love look like now?

In this moments --- love looks like ---

Lots of heart aching middle of the night wake ups, tears streaming in my sleep.

Lots of 4 am conversations with Kevin, sometimes mad at him for leaving so soon, some of it feeling regret, some of it begging him to come back, some of it swells of deep gut wrenching sadness.

Early morning date with grief to practice what I've offered to so many others.

Attempting to welcome it all.

Lots of phone calls from friends and family. Lots of dinners with Sarah and Ed. Lots of pausing to be with whoever I meet as I walk Sweetness.

Lots and lots of weeping.

And ---

Seeing a few clients because

it feels good to focus

on other people

and to have a small amount

of a familiar rhythm ---

and to offer

some of the wisdom

I’ve gleaned.

It gives me

a teeny sliver of a glimpse

of how to make meaning

out of this year

out of this enormous loss

out of illness and chemo and

surgery and hospitalizations

and moments of pausing

moments of tenderness

moments of hand holding

moments of frustration and anger

moments of heartbreak

and his last breath

Outside on a marvel of a day ---

surrounded by loved ones

the scent of juniper wafting ---

his last breath lingers in those trees.

his last breath.

What I'm Processing

Dear Friends,

Hello.

As I write I can hear the swainson's thrush singing in the Alder Trees as the wisp of Ocean breeze moves up the 40 river miles of the Siletz to ripple the leaflets.

​
​How is your heart today?

Pause and ask.

Mine is a bit heavy. ---

The rise in heat all over the earth is hard to bear (for me, maybe you too?) and how to hold that without falling into a pit of despair or numbing out to avoid that feeling??

The political climate too.

I want to encourage you to give this podcast with Joanna Macy a listen. It's been so helpful to me!

No pressure though!

And---

​
I said I’d follow up on the Facing Death, Nourishing life workshop Kevin and I attended.

It’s not so easy to put into words and here goes:

Profound transformation for me, for Kevin, and for our relationship with each other and the world---

at this point it’s mostly a delicate tenderness,

a sweet softening of the heart towards each other and all of life.

a deeper than deep gratitude each day as we awaken “wow, I woke up today!” (a phrase shared by our facilitator Bodhi) and prioritizing the things we took away to ponder and move forward with.

​
Talking about death for six days. Heard these words more than I ever have. Death. Dying. Died.

Can’t not be touched by all of that!

​
​Being in a circle of almost 40 hearts beating

and breathing together

and willing to go deep and consider

and ask hard questions

and share death and dying experiences,

and witness and listen and hold and be held.

and then dance and sing together in the Sufi way.

the sublimely held pools of eye/soul contact during dancing

and the larger than life beaming smiles that emerged when singing,

especially my own --- was a huge blessing

and a vibrantly alive ---

hello my deep hearted in love with life self!'

so grateful to be with you again ---

​
Wow.

​
The below phrase was written on a big flip chart in the front of the room and left there for the entire week:

“We will die and we don’t know when.

Everyone we know and love will also die and we don’t know how or when.

How and whether we use this information will shape the course of our lives, our relationships, and our attunement with the sacred.

It will shape who we are as a community and how we care for each other now, and when we are dying.”---Bodhi Be

​
​Powerful, Yes?

​
Embodying this as a direction feels wise in my life now.

The how and what, and who and where and when is unfolding.

​
And ---

so many questions were offered to consider, to take with and wonder about. Here are a few:

What does dying well look like?

What does love look like now? And now?

How can being more aware of dying help us live with more presence and preciousness?

"What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?" Ellen Bass excerpt from If You Knew​

Also ---

There were a number of people who worked in the death and dying fields. I gotta say they were some of the most joyful, able to access all emotions, present people! They reminded me of the movie Mission Joy with Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama. The childlike playfulness. Those men have/were definitely shaped by a relationship with death different than what most of us westerners have.

It’s so interesting isn’t it.

That birth and death are the only two truths that all humans share no matter what.

And yet its a very uncomfortable topic for most of us to delve into.

Is it possible the disconnect and denial of death in this society shows up through our inability to be fully reverent to all of life?

​
And ---

This quote by the Dalai Lama was turned into a beautiful song we sang together most mornings. I am still singing it!

“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it.”---the Dalai Lama

​
Lastly ---

One of our last moments together was creating a haiku starting with this line:

When you find me dead

Here’s mine:

When you find me dead

Let your inhale be embraced

By the garden we planted.

(and I recognize this isn’t a tradition 5/7/5. Natalie Goldberg in her haiku book gave permission to flex! yay)

The facilitators Bodhi and Leilah were beautiful human beings with huge hearts! They are Sufi Ministers and the website (mission and vision) of the nonprofit funeral home Bodhi runs is amazing!!! I encourage you to take a look, and if you feel inspired to donate. He is a part of the web of incredible change around how we die, how we are cared for, and how we care for each other!

A few resources:

​A Beginners Guide to the End by BJ Miller, MD and Shoshana Berger.

A little bit about Death Cafes likely one near you!

​Palliative Care what is it?

​The Conversation project starter kit​

May some of this be of service to you or a loved one!

Deep blessings to you all,

Carol

P.S. thank you to all of you that reached out after the last newsletter!

Living with Dying

Hello Dear Friends,

May the summer sun, wind, rain, beauty and rawness bring you to your knees with joy and offer a space of solace for your sorrow.

Take a nice slow breath if you'd like, before you read on!

​When I was 12 or 13 years old, Mr Barth, a dear friend of my parents who was in his mid 40’s, had a massive heart attack. He survived this one but was told his heart was very weak and his days were numbered.

​I didn’t see him for awhile after that, and then one day I ran in the front door and as I passed the living room for the stairs I heard my Dad’s voice.

I turned and walked in. He and Mr Barth and Mr Barth's two young son’s Ned and Timmy, were standing by the mantle chatting.

They paused their conversation as I burst in.

And honestly, in my memory, time stood still as Mr Barth said hello.

Even after 12 years of Catholic mass, and school, and cathedrals, and loads of priests and nuns, I had never really felt a human so fully present, whole body, whole soul.

It was as if a different force was moving through him, a presence I now see as someone awake to what absence from this life meant, and with that it seared a particular quality of being that was so profound I’ve never forgotten it.

The felt sense of being with him

was like coming home

to the deepest pool

of love and care available.

---Almost like the energy of his heart had gotten a heck of a lot bigger as it got weaker.---

And I’ve come back to that moment many times in my life, searching for how to be that.

​
I’ve had moments of it, glimpses for short times, mostly in relationship with the more than human world and infants. Bowled over by awe and beauty and reverence.

Divine energy some call it.

​And Death.

​
There is no avoiding it. For any of us.

​
And now, after going through all that’s happened with Kevin and cancer, we are, as you read this, at a retreat at Breitenbush titled, “Facing Death, Living Life, The Beauty Way”

​
Being in a relationship with death so that I can live more fully now, that’s what Mr Barth gave me a glimpse of (thank you Mr Barth). I hope to learn more and become more of whatever that is.

My friend Mary sent me this poem by Marie Howe, evoked a lot in me. Especially this last line:

"oh sweetheart, oh holy mother, nothing nothing ever felt this good." -Marie Howe

I’ll likely come back with some juicy wonderings and more!

In the meantime.

Be kind.

Be kindest to your own heart.

Love,

Carol

How about the power of love?

Dear Friends,

Already the mid-middle of September and Fall is in the air, and earth, and water, and the, for me, magnificent gentling of light.

And---

My daughter got married September 8th. It was beautiful in so many ways, palpable still a week or so later, and it healed some big leftover feelings from my divorce with her father.

Here is a sentimental poem I wrote that speaks to what I felt and from what I heard many others did too.

The Day

The sun rose late this year on September 8th.

Around 5:15 p.m.

​
It burbled up and flew shockingly through the open window of a building in NE Portland.

Dawn flapped its wings in delight.

​
Arriving with it---

An ocean-cascading, sun-bursting

love-beaming Fest

Of such magnificence that

time stood still.

​
For how long, no one knows.

​
Breath continued.

Air moved.

Bodies shimmered and shook.

Smiles cracked on crusty old stories.

​
Two beauties joining together.

Tying the proverbial knot with clear hearted knowing.

​
Witnessed and shared with a gaggle of swans

Circling the waters and dipping their bills

Into the large swells of care, intention, and swooping joy that abounded and resounds.

Still.

​It reminded me, once again that love is the currency we need whenever we have the gumption, courage, and presence to lead with it.

Oftener and oftener. Is what I want to be.

​And listening. Listening to all that love with my whole dancing body.

How do we grow and nurture the capacity to listen with love? To live of, on, with, and in, that quality of listening?

That said. It's Fall.

For me---a time to devote attention to reflection and wonder about the big questions that don't have any one answer, and in pondering the living into and with, that often generates fresh plumped up somethings!

In the meantime I am pouring all that love and healing into this note to you. May you taste it!
​Much love,

Carol

Check out the Unheard of Importance of Listening Course ​HERE​ (this course can cost, at the lowest pricing, three or four speciality coffee drinks, and you'll get more than a buzz out of it!)

Remember this!

Hello You All!

How are you?

Ah. Really?

Whatever you are in the moment is okay.

And every moment holds the possibility of change.

Sending a big hug!

And what I want to remember—-

and to remind you to remember—-

because I was recently reminded again is—-

There are millions of people in the world doing amazing, amazing work and practices and rituals and ceremonies in service to a regenerative world.

It's easy to forget that when reading or listening to the news.

The mainstream media doesn't devote a heck of a lot of time to small acts, or collective projects from all over the globe!

Here are a few that have inspired me lately!

My partner Kevin and I recently finished up a course on Restorying Masculinity. It was very powerful. Evocative. Provocative. Humility. Vulnerability. Wisdom. And a lot of generosity and power with energy in most of the sessions. It was hosted by Ian MacKenzie!

And Lyndsey Scott who I've shared about before! A powerful song writer and activist co-created Over-Under with her penpal A-Rhodd who is incarcerated at this time. His voice is a part of this song as well as their shared intention!

And if you haven't seen this TedTalk (the story that shapes your relationship to nature). I loved this. I sobbed through the last few minutes 14 minutes and he fits so much in!

And we recently created a safe dog space on our back deck which we haven't spent a lot of time in, because traffic is a lot louder back there. And low and behold we are sitting in a Juniper forest. Nestled into the trees. Bird song. Plays of light and shadow. Watching the breeze more the branches, feeling the energy and vitality and protection of these trees, sensing a deepening relationship. So inspiring!

Take a moment or a few. With these questions.

Ponder. Write. Draw. Create---

Remind yourself:

What's inspiring me?

How often am I cultivating and giving attention and dedication to what does inspire me?

What's one, or a few, small steps I can take this week?

Big May Love your way, all ways,

Carol

Check out the Unheard of Importance of Listening Course HERE​

Want to get a taste of working with me? Click HERE for a free 30 minute conversation.

Windows of the Heart

Here we go.

A part of me wants to say wee…wee… wee…wee… all the way home—

I had a moment this morning,

while dancing with myself in the dusky hours before dawn,

that placing my hand on my heart, feeling the pulsing of my heart beat through my chest---

brought a beautiful sense of connection

AND it made me wonder what the world would be like if I placed my hand there often before I spoke out loud or to myself,

and if others did too.

I imagine that contact, that bringing attention to the heart space, would change how I spoke.

I've been doing it today and I'll keep exploring. So far it is inviting a different quality of attention and intention.

(and this is a post continued from the past two newsletters---building up to this writing practice!)

Now.

Drop in.

To the center of your sweet torso.

A titch, perhaps, to the left and honestly wherever you feel the energy move you, or in you.

How is this particular place in and around your body feeling at this moment?

Light, heavy, twitchy, swirly, speedy, achy breaky, spinning, piercing, open,_______

Place your hand on your heart. Feel it beating.

Before I introduce the poem I wanted to share this excerpt I resonated with.

“When Unangan Elders speak of the “heart,” they do not mean mere feelings, even positive and compassionate ones. “Heart” refers to a deeper portal of profound interconnectedness and awareness that exists between humans and all living things. Centering oneself there results in humble, wise, connected ways of being and acting in the world. Indigenous peoples have cultivated access to this source as part of a deep experience and awareness of the profound interdependency between the natural and human worlds. To access it, you must drop out of the relentless thinking that typically occupies the Western mind”. —By Ilarion Merculieff (here is the whole article I got this quote from.) YUMMY!!

How do I/you/we bring our hearts wisdom more fully into our everyday living?

​Here is the poem:

​
​​The Guesthouse

By Rumi

​This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival

​A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

​Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

​The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

​Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

​-by Rumi

​Taken from SELECTED POEMS by Rumi, Translated by Coleman Barks (Penguin Classics, 2004).

Prompts

What may need to be swept out of your heart house to allow new guests?

What is wanting to be invited in?

How do you create more windows and doors?

How can your deepest desires find a way in and out?

Here are some tips on how:

I recommend setting a timer, Not to limit your time, to give yourself time. You can keep going for as long as you want. Five to eight minutes is a good starting place.

Pause to drop into your body. Take a breath.

You could take one prompt a day for four days this week. Or explore in short bursts each prompt, or do only one!

It helps to write as fast as you can and let the pen stay on the paper. You also access different parts of yourself when writing with pen, and paper, and do what works.

Don’t censor yourself. (this is a practice) This is for you to get to know yourself ---not to get it right, be good, like it, or even understand with your mind.

When you get stuck and start thinking and maybe judging what you are writing, go back to the prompt and write it again and again until something fresh comes. It will.

When you are done writing, read what you wrote out loud. Hearing from the outside in, is another way for us to receive ourselves.

Note what touched you, or brought something up, or?

Then move into your day.

Consider holding one of these questions close. Or something you wrote. Not clingy more like a breeze that touches you every once in awhile.

For the next week make a practice of asking your heart what it knows, what it’s sensing, what is it’s experience in the moment.

Cultivation of this knowing can be an eye opening affirmation of the beauty and messiness that is human.

Until next time. Intuition it is!

Love,

Windows/Ways of Knowing

Windows/Ways of Knowing

My father adored food.

Really. Really.

And reflecting back on his love and care and attention and reverence for food

I realize he modeled and taught me to be in relationship

with my senses and my intuition and to turn towards

what my heart loved at an early age. (Yay Dad)

​
It was a joy and delight to watch him fly slowly around the kitchen slicing garlic, stirring tomatoes, chopping herbs, tasting, and through his sense of smell knowing just a pinch more of basil or salt or…

It was an art and soul experience for him. The tending of food. The day was timeless. It was focused. It was a quality of presence.

​
It was intuitive for him.

He didn’t question these ways of knowing.

He simply lived them.

These were the windows of knowing he breathed. It was a beautiful quality of aliveness! You could feel his love beaming. And his sharing brought so much joy and yumminess, and connection to those he fed!

And watching him eat.

Oh my.

He didn’t scarf his food.

Slowly.

He savored.

He paused.

He rejoiced.

He smiled, sometimes dreamily.

He could even make bologna taste like gourmet food!
​

My favorite was his marinara sauce which he tended and simmered most of the day on many Sundays of my growing up years. No one I know has been able to match this amazing taste!

I remember walking into the house and breathing in the scents coming from the kitchen as it wafted into the entryway. I didn’t have to see it to know what it was. My mouth would water in readiness and I’d often slip off my sneaker and slide stealthily into the kitchen. There I would tear off a small corner of a loaf of Italian bread, dip it in the sauce, plop it into my mouth, and dive out the door when he wasn’t looking! There was an art to that too!

Does this ring any bells for you? Any time in your life when you or someone else lived these ways of knowing?

​
And

10 years ago I was reading Nature and The Human Soul, by Bill Plotkin, for the first time. I remember reading the part about the Windows of Knowing.

He references the work of psychologist Eligio Stephen Gallegos and his belief that each of these four ways of knowing, feeling, sensing, thinking and imagination held equal importance and power. He thought of intuition as a part of all those ways so didn’t separate it out. (and I want to acknowledge, that as many of us know, Indigenous cultures and others have held these other ways of knowing as sacred for eons---and more ways than these!)

For me that particular sliver of writing was a homecoming. I thought of those moments with my Dad. How he honored those ways of knowing.

And I felt a deep grief that I hadn't followed suit. That I had lost my way.

I had spent a lot of years trying really hard to fit into a culture that valued thinking most.

And for me, honestly, while I love my mind, the countless moments in my life when I feel most whole, connected, present and alive are when I am dropped into these other ways of knowing.

It’s like the heartbeat of the universe lines up inside me.

​
So I have found myself more and more curious about who we would be as a collective culture if we took these other ways of knowing and loved them up. Gave them attention and acknowledgement and time and space.

Who would we become?

And of course that meant being the change I want to see in the world. I have to tend to these ways, turn towards the sensory, creative, intuitive heart ways. And of course it's a journey of engaging and unraveling. (These missives do come from my heart and intuition and senses. It's why I love to write to you!)

And lastly----
​

As I was prepping for this presentation with the Co-Chairs what became really clear was their desire for participants to come home to themselves as we move out of the pandemic. To feel and sense and process things that got stuffed under all the stress and strain of nursing and rational and mandates and masks. The windows of knowing are setting the stage to explore through a writing practice.

That will come next week!

My hope is that you will take out a pen and paper and do some writing. See what comes through for you.

​
Many blessings my friends,

Carol

What's your thread?

Recently I was invited to present and facilitate a conversation on wellbeing at a nursing conference this past weekend. (thank you Sara and Randa)

I was super excited about what I was going to offer.

For me creating a presentation is a little like a work of art. I play with it most days, adding a bit of color here, erasing something that isn't quite a fit there. Feeling my way forward.

This particular presentation is a blend of poetry and quotes and prompts and writing, to deepen our relationships to our hearts, our intuition and healthy boundaries. Some of my favorite things!!

​
And pre-conference time I found that the virus is still not completely out of my body so with sadness I had to bow out. (Not easy for me. Likely not for them either. I am learning more and more about letting go these days and acceptance but I don’t always like it.)

So---

I thought that I’d share slices of the presentation with all of you. So it doesn’t just sit in my body and on my computer!

​
This poem was the lead in.

​
The Way It Is

by William Stafford

“There’s a thread you follow. It goes among

things that change. But it doesn’t change.

People wonder about what you are pursuing.

You have to explain about the thread.

But it is hard for others to see.

While you hold it you can’t get lost.

Tragedies happen; people get hurt

or die; and you suffer and get old.

Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.

You don’t ever let go of the thread.”

​
I’ve loved this poem since the first time I read it, probably 15 years ago.

The metaphor of the thread fits so aptly for me, as it joins in with the world as a web and each living being having a place in it.

If we don’t take our particular place its missed in the web!

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​And perhaps that’s what’s missing in our world right now?

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​Threads buried under piles of social norms, capitalism, inequities, othering--- the lions, tigers and bears of our times.

​
Before you hear a little of my story. Take a moment to read this quote then answer the below questions.

“You are connected to and following the guidance of your inner knowing and not someone else’s idea of who you need to be.”—Lori Eve Declar

This is closer to my definition of wellbeing. It's not about health or being happy all the time, or life being good at every moment. It's about each of us being connected to our inner knowing in a world that is constantly pulling us out.

Photo by Stephane Gagnon on Unsplash​

Then----
​Pause here.

What’s your thread?

The one that rises from your own inner knowing not someone else’s or the cultures idea of who you are or need to be.

Perhaps the answer flows out of you like an unstoppable fountain. Or stops you in your tracks as your mind goes blank, or you have a sense but can’t quite describe it.

If it’s an unstoppable flow you can stop reading now, If not read on….

​
I definitely have played lost and found with my thread.

​
My way back to my thread was a long time coming and came through illness and divorce.

I don’t necessarily recommend that way (smiling here). I didn’t listen to the early signs that the universe was sprinkling and drizzling in subtle ways.

At the same time that my marriage was crumbling and I was super sick, a voice inside me said; “you’ll die if you stay in this relationship”.

That got my attention. And scared me. (yes that was a dramatic voice, and in retrospect I understand it wasn’t about the end of my life, but about me never truly knowing myself.)

So I did.

Letting go of a marriage in the middle of a major health crisis.

Well, not the easiest path.

It was chaotic and sad.

I felt like I’d lost a limb.

And I grieved.

Not only the loss of my husband and marriage, also the particular beauty of our pod of four that we created together, and all the losses I hadn’t grieved because I’d somehow lost my way.

I cried for three years every day. (I know that sounds like a long time, it was. That’s why I remember when it stopped being daily.)

It wasn’t easy. I had a lot of support! (thank you friends!)

I opened to the grief in unexpected ways.

I accepted the tears.

My intuition told me the tears were clearing me out, I could feel my heart healing, widening its field.

All in all, leading me back to my thread.

​
​And I found the clearest messages of my thread, or it found me, through the questions that rained down that August day in 2017 when the fires and smoke were blazing, when the gray murky haze of sky was sending me wispy signals.

And the questions became the Wonder Uprising guidebooks (with the collaboration of Casey!) and more questions came, and more, and they keep coming.

​
They came like a wave from top to bottom and out my fingers onto the page. Like my hands were dancing with something I couldn’t see. Like those questions had been quietly waiting for the door to open so they could tumble out.

​
My thread isn’t analytical, or rational. It’s relational. It's being a feeler who thinks. It’s more poetic and super curious. It’s passionate and fiery. It loves deep listening and wonder. It’s about questions more than answers, it's about offering listening spaces to let the questions work some magic. It's sometimes pushy and sometimes squishy. And at other times can be as soft and tender as a billowy white cloud.

​
And just an aside.

Years ago, in my early 20’s my sister Jean gave me a framed copy of this quote from Rilke that she had written in calligraphy.

"Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer," --Rainer Maria Rilke

Maybe her intuition!

Live the questions. Living into answers. That's me. Live and ask the questions so others can ponder with me!

This week get curious about your thread or notice where it's most alive, where it pulses, where it takes you if you follow it? Notice what gets in its way, or what depletes its vibrancy?

​
The next post will be a deeper dive about the ways of knowing other than thinking. And why they may be really important in this transformational time!

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​If you find yourself wanting more direct attention to access, or reconnect with your thread, I’d love to support you. My favorite kind of work! Click HERE to schedule a free consultation.

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​
To our threads weaving a world that works for all!

Carol

A Poetic Experience Anyone?

Poetry is not only a dream and vision; it is the skeleton architecture of our lives. It lays the foundations for a future of change, a bridge across our fears of what has never been before." - Audre Lorde

How are you?

Me—-

This past week a dear friend wrote to encourage me to submit some of my poetry to a magazine. (With her help, thank you friend, I did. With a sense of fun and adventure!)

In our series of exchanges she shared someone else's bio ( I can’t find that email or I’d share it!) who lovingly exclaimed, that perhaps poetry might be an amazing direction to turn our words and listening towards, in these times. And my friend imagined that I, like she, probably felt the same way.

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I leapt at that thought, like I had been laying in wait for it to swing on in and lift me out of the mundanity of so much of my common speech!

​
​What we listen to, becomes us.

Did you know there are some countries that lift up poetry and poets like we do professional athletes, musicians and actors?

Imagine what that shapes in their listening bodies?

Would you be open to wondering who you/we might become if words pouring out of our mouths, became shaped and formed from a poetic landscape?

Could policy be shaped poetically? Parenting…ah, the list goes on…

Rather than wax poetic myself---

How about joining in an experiment?

Here it is.

For the next 30 days. Mark your calendar. Give yourself 3-7 minutes.

Listen or read a poem or two or three a day. (invite others, read them at the dinner table, or team meeting, on a stroll, or enjoying tea or coffee together.)

Choose to memorize one.

Can be short and sweet.

Or long and languid.

You may be inspired to write one!

"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people from the limited ways in which they see and feel." -Jim Morrison​
​
​And then at the end of the month.

Pause. Reflect.

What are any subtle, nuanced, or clear, shifts or changes you are noticing?

Let me know how it goes.

Respond to this email!

Send and SOS.

Write me letters in the sand, or sky, or in your dreams.

I’ll feel them! (smiling)

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To poetic landscapes abounding in the world,

​
P.S. I really appreciated this essay about listening to rocks. And HERE. a listening song from my days in Junior High School!

P.P.S. Here are a couple options for listening to poetry HERE and HERE. Reading online HERE​

And Books HERE and HERE and David Whyte, and Ross Gay, and William Stafford I also love.

Listening as a strand of becoming!

Hello Y’all,

I have been wending and weaving my way towards The Unheard of Importance of Listening Course for a long, maybe lifetimes of spaces.

I honor questions similar to what Marie Rainer Rilke spoke years ago——

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.”

While the course doesn’t exclude answering, more importantly it is an invitation to carry the questions with you. To let them live with you, beside, you, inside you and opening to them shaping who you are becoming.

The Unheard of Importance of Listening Course is for anyone with a titch (or more!) of curiosity and a desire to lean into unexplored parts of yourselves. Children welcome and encouraged!! Invite another to join you!! CLICK HERE For more information!

Oodles of love and care,

Carol

Intimacy, a scary word. Or CPR for living?

Is it. Scary?

Or what feelings come up

when you let that word drop

down to your gut.

Does it bring

a delighted smile

to your face

or does it make you

shiver and quake?

​Like breathing, once again, we are in relationships all of our lives.

Intimacy presses on our chest and has us breathing funny. It takes courage to know it!

​
When I really committed to intimacy my life changed in big ways.

Hard ways.

Deep intimacy became a divorce.

A big loss.

Through the pain.

Through the fire of seeking an intimacy with myself that I couldn't find while in that partnership, came an unraveling of a pod of four that I loved more than I can say.

It hurt. It had an impact on others.

I carry some remorse for the way it went and the losses for all of us. Loss opens things though and

The intimacy that was stuck inside me, like a shell, got cracked and I found the yolk.

Intimacy poured out. Unsteady and uneven. Still does. But it's here.

And I am glad I know the taste of it.

​The pressing on my chest every now and then continues to open my heart.

Breath and beating heart reminds me it's the ticking clock of time.

Time to feel the dewy green grass beneath my bare cool back on a warm summer day.

To feel the earth pulsing in grounded communion.

Casey and I aren't experts on relationship. Or intimacy.

Casey's good at beauty along with our artists; Jess and Karen.

We are good at asking questions and guiding prompts.

We are good at holding spaces to wonder and open and connect!

We are tenders of unraveling and reweaving hearts minds and bodies, including our own.

Yes, part of this post is silly.

And we can be silly too!

Relationshiping towards intimacy is a boat you can choose.

It will press your chest and fill your lungs with air.

If you want to explore it through wonder and muse.

Join us on an intimate FREE zoom cruise! (haha)

Thursday January 20th noon PST. RSVP​

​
To Cultivating Wonder,

Carol

P.S. I'm practicing creating videos as a new way to connect. Here is a short one about why me, as in why work with me! HERE it is.

If it calls to you or someone you know you can click HERE to schedule a free conversation!
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Six Voices That Are Changing Me.

When I sit to write.

I picture you opening this up.

I wonder how it will touch you.

I like to bring a smile to people’s hearts.

To question our conditioned ways of being.

To lean into the unknown darkness and light.

To wander and be lost and wonder as a way forward.

As I reflect on 2021 I am most grateful to the voices that are changing me.

Moving me out of binary thinking into my body, into greater connection with an understanding of our inter-beingness with the whole living world, and the importance of consciousness change as well as action.

It’s slow-- this changing my conditioned responses to life.

This unraveling the stories that were woven in me since I was a wee one.

All the modern educational systems etc.

These six voices have helped me lose my way.

It's uncomfortable and feels oh so necessary.

And as I’ve said in the past few newsletters, so much bound in the listening bodies we exist in.

Before birth. In the womb we listened and it’s with us even when we sleep.

We are, and become what we take in.

Some of these aren't new as of 2021. A few have been friends for awhile!

​
​These first three voices are frontiers way beyond/before western, modern, science based thinking.

​
​Writings by Bayo Afomolafe. I heard him speak at a conference with the Othering and Belonging Institute and then again with IDHA this past weekend. He said things I wanted to carry with me. These: ”Become water, travel, lose our way together. To become fugitives. What is health when healing becomes sick."--and a whole lot more! He’s speaking from a way of being that is ancient, future, unfamiliar and makes me pause. Bewildered and alive. If you want to get out of the boxes, if you want to be stretched from where you believe things live to another place --this is a voice that may help you.

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​“May this decade bring more than just solutions, more than just a future - may it bring words we don't know yet, and temporalities we have not yet inhabited. May we be slower than speed could calculate, and swifter than the pull of the gravity of words can incarcerate. And may we be visited so thoroughly, and met in wild places so overwhelmingly, that we are left undone. Ready for composting. Ready for the impossible. Welcome to the decade of the fugitive.” --Bayo Afomolafe

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​Sand Talk by Tyson Yunkaporta. His writing makes my head hurt, in a good way. Irreverent, revealing, simple and complex. He has me unraveling and reweaving as I read. Slowly.

​
​“Understanding your own culture and the ways it interacts with others, particularly the power dynamics of it, is far more appreciated. My reading of Germane Greer when I was a young lad was a lot more conducive to forming relationships with European females than my reading of Dante was--and that was more about my understanding of my male privilege and controlling its excess than being an export on women's literature or issues. This kind of cultural humility is a useful exercise in understanding your role as an agent of sustainability in a complex system. It is difficult to relinquish the illusions of power and delusions of exceptionalism that come with privilege. But it is strangely liberating to realise your true status as a node in a single network. There is honour to be found in this role, and a certain dignified agency. You won't be swallowed up by a hive mind or individuality--you will retain your autonomy while simultaneously being profoundly interdependent and connected.”

― Tyson Yunkaporta, Sand Talk: How Indigenous Thinking Can Save the World​

​
​Undrowned by Alexis Pauline Gumbs. This book. I really don’t have words to describe the journey Alexis takes you on. Just take it. Don’t think. Experience her words. Let them wash over you. Don’t go fast with it if you can help it.

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​“May you study the pink of yourself. Know yourself riverine and coast. May you taste the fresh and the saltwater of yourself and know what only you can know. May you live in the mouth of the river, meeting place of the tides, may all blessings flow through you.”

― Alexis Pauline Gumbs, Undrowned: Black Feminist Lessons from Marine Mammals​

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer. This is one you may know about. The book and Robin Wall Kimmerer are in the world in a bigger way the past few years. This is a teacher and teachings we can all breathe into. Wisdom, truth, and beauty flow on the pages.

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“Knowing that you love the earth changes you, activates you to defend and protect and celebrate. But when you feel that the earth loves you in return, that feeling transforms the relationship from a one-way street into a sacred bond.”

― Robin Wall Kimmerer, Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants​

Being Salmon, Being Human by Martin Lee Mueller. Martin is a phenomenologist (among other things). I am fascinated by that. He gives us the opportunity to see life through a salmon’s journey and he peels back Descarte and friends in a very fascinating way. A thread of explanation about how we got where we are. And more.

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“Here is a philosopher who has learned to think not only with his head but with his whole body. A keenly aware human animal, Martin Mueller dreams himself salmon flesh. Gill slits open along his neck as he glides between mountain streams and the broad ocean currents. His scales glint and ripple in the moonlight, their reflections posing ever more penetrating questions for our species. This is a game-changing culture-shifting book, ethical and eloquent, opening the way toward a more mature natural science—one that’s oriented by our own creaturely participation and rapport with the rest of the biosphere.”—David Abram, author of The Spell of the Sensuous and Becoming Animal; director, Alliance for Wild Ethics

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​Yearning for the Wind by Tom Cowan

I found this book in a little library on Lopez Island this summer. Walking along a tall evergreen lined road, it was a roadside attraction. I’ve been carrying this one almost everywhere I go. What’s woven in his words. I’ve found an even deeper connection with the more than human world!

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“Yes, there is always a great and terrible crashing when any tree falls, for no tree falls that does not fall within my soul.”

― Tom Cowan, Yearning for the Wind​

All my love to you and yours and ours,

Carol

Pause with Me!

Hi!

I almost always like to start any of my little missives off with---

Pause and take a breath.

I don't do it every time.

And today I am in need of a conscious deep breath.
And another one.
More than usual.
The smoky air creating a holding pattern.
My body feels tense and tighter than usual.
A withholding.

Breathing. Pausing. 
CPR for the soul.
Cannot be overstated.
In my world.

Consciously breathing seems simple.

And, yes, the concept is.

Following the breath for three breaths without getting distracted.

Not so simple.

For me. 

Anyways!!!

So here you go. 

If you’d like to pause and breathe with me for a couple minutes 

click HERE.

Pausing. 

Taking three breaths.

Bringing me back here.
 

Creating this little video for you to pause and breathe with me.

Yearning to be in the company of others but feeling good doing this small thing. 

I wish I could see your faces too!

And here is one of my favorite poems to pause with.

And one of my favorite songs to sing with.

And one of my favorite songs to dance with. 

May this be a helpful couple minutes together!

Hugs and love,

Carol

Creating a "feel good" Day!

Hello Friends,

Sending a smile and a hug your way! 

As we continue to navigate these challenging, transformational times I find it so important to intentionally practice coming back to a sense of joy and peace--with a smattering of letting all feelings be felt too!

I have found it super helpful to sprinkle in some playful and mindful moments in my days.

Actually put them on my calendar or on a post-it and check them off as I go.

I notice at the end of these days I have so much more to be grateful for!

Here is my list for today:

Started off the morning before I got out of bed with a gratitude practice. Naming and sensing the moments I appreciated yesterday!
I usually take a walk and meditate before I start my work day but do whatever you have time for!

• 8:30 am:Do the scientific seven minute workout. It actually takes 9.5 minutes.

• 9:50 am--Hum along to amazing grace for two minutes of this version. (benefits of humming)

• 11:30 am---This video has never failed to make me laugh and dance! (find some that rock your world)

• 1:45 pm---If it's not too smoky. Go down to the meadow with my hula hoop and book. Get barefoot and hoop and read for 10 minutes. If it is smoky, dance inside instead.

• 3:45 pm Sit at my altar and follow my breath for 2 full minutes.

• 5 pm pm: Play one song on my ukulele.

That’s today's list.
I mix and match and add and grow my practices. 

I forget and then I remember to commit to a list again. 

I have done this long enough to see the benefits on the days I create something like this for myself!

I remind myself it isn’t a race or being perfect, or getting it all done!
This isn’t a productivity assignment.

It’s about dipping into the magic of joy and playfulness to add to who I can be in more moments of each day. 

Much love,

Carol

P.S. Please feel free to share with me any practices or videos or music that brings you joy!

Beautiful OOPS

Hello Friends,

The beauty of spring abounds here in Central Oregon.

Thank you more than human world for all you provide!

Last year, around this time, my friend Victoria gave me a children's book titled Beautiful Oops by Barney Saltzberg and I’ve been waiting for the right moment to share it. 

Children’s books offer life lessons in ways that bring such a smile to my heart. I wonder if they do to yours as well?

Beautiful Oops reminds us that spills, errors, accidents and mistakes can also be creatively transformed into something beautiful.

For example:

A few weeks ago I drove three of my friends to an outdoor evening meeting by the Deschutes river. 

It was a lovely night, the sound of rushing water, and bird songs. We were sitting under some majestic ponderosa trees with a light breeze moving all around.

As the meeting came to a close around 8:45 pm, and the dark of a new moon night welcomed us, we meandered to the parking lot and before we all got in I accidentally locked my keys in the car. OOPS! 

The first precious gift of the evening was that everybody just laughed. 

Luckily Casey had her phone and I called my partner Kevin to retrieve the spare keys and come help us out!

As we were standing in the now empty--except for us-- parking lot, Kira remembered that the laughter hotlines (yes there is one) evening time slot was about to begin. 

So she pressed the number, the moderator answered laughing, and we were off to the  races. 

OMG---tears were streaming down our faces, snorts were echoed, bodies hunched over knees, heads thrown back. For 15 minutes we roared and giggled and smiled and wiggled.

Then Kevin pulled in with the spare keys.
We thanked the moderator, jumped in the car, and headed home. 

Smiles and sighs. 

A memory made. 

A beautiful OOPS!!

So perhaps next time you lock yourself out of the car, or break a plate, or spill your coffee, or are really late.

Consider how to create something beautiful, or funny, or ridiculous!

Life is full of OOPS so why not consider them an opportunity for practicing transformation and adaptability!

And share your stories far and wide so others can remember too!

Hahaha,
Carol

P.S. And here’s the laughter yoga hotline just in case your interest was peaked!

P.P.S. And a youtube video of one of Shel Silverstein's poem Everything on it, in English and Spanish!

P.P.P.S. I have openings for coaching this summer if you know anyone who would like to explore the vast expanse of wholeness and interconnected well-being---have them message me for a free consultation!